My favorite Craig's List posting EVER:

Originally Posted: Mon, 19 May 15:13 PDT

found cat--black with white stripes
Date: 2008-05-19, 3:13PM PDT

Hi, I found a cat today near the arboretum. She's black with white stripes down her back. She seems a little standoffish. Does not get along well with children. She doesn't have a collar, but seems to be an indoor cat and went without hesitation for a can of cat food I opened for her. I think she's been away from home a while. She's quite smelly. May need a bath. Please e-mail me to claim. Small rehoming fee (to cover the cost of the litterbox and cat food).

"Do you know about our electronic bill pay services?"

Dammit. I use the drive up window at my bank so I DON'T have to listen to their sales spiels and so that I can do my banking in a quick, efficient manner.

Well my bank, which shall remain nameless (Wells-Fargo) is now regularly invading the privacy of my car with their unending ideas for how to get rid of what little money I have even FASTER. They have pushed electronic bill-pay, credit cards, loans and more - each time I drive up.

The only time I haven't been subjected to these sales tactics is when I am on my cell phone. They leave me alone.

So, I put 1 and 1 together and found my solution to peaceful, uninterrupted drive-up banking. Be on the phone or fake a call. Case closed.

The best movie I've seen in a very long time

Taking Chance

HBO

Premiered

February 21, 2009

It was outstanding and I highly recommend it.

Click here to watch the trailer.

3 Days, 21 Hours and 14 Minutes

Until the first Boston Red Sox Spring Training Game!

Silver Dollar Giver

One of my best friends in the world sent me a little story in an email the other day. It was the nicest emails I've ever gotten in my life. Certainly the nicest one of 2009 so far.

The story was of 2 young boys, one a little older than the other. They were walking along a dirt road in the early 1900s. They came upon an old coat and a pair of very worn shoes. They saw a man working by himself in a distant field. The younger boy thought it would be funny to hide the man's items and watch from a hidden location while he searched for them.

The older boy thought better of this and suggested they each place a silver dollar in the man's shoes and watch from a hidden location for his reaction when he found them. They boys went with this plan.

The man finished his work and returned to change from his work boots into his shoes and coat. When he put his foot in the first shoe he found the dollar and was amazed. He looked around but saw no one. He put his foot in the other shoe and found the second dollar. He held the dollars in his hands and thanked God above for these blessings. The man said that his wife was ill and he hadn't enough money to feed his children, so these dollars were a true gift. The boys watched and listened to exactly what their good deeds had meant.

My friend sent this as a video clip and a note was included in the message. It said, "I perceive you to be a silver dollar giver."

I send and receive a lot of funny emails, but every so often one comes across your desk that is serious, striking, and lasting. This was definitely one of those. Thanks unnamed friend!

The coolest thing I saw in 2008

I was driving from Miami on US-1 to Key West. There are several spans of smaller bridges that run parallel to US-1. One of those bridges has the most amazing TREE growing right on it.

There in the middle of all that asphalt and concrete is a beautiful tree -- just growing out over all that water. I've never seen anything like it before. It was so alone and out of place, yet so healthy and present.

Honey

In the wake of the terror surrounding peanut butter, I've started eating a little honey now & then ... and guess what? I LOVE IT! I used to eat it as a kid at my Grandma's house, but my taste for honey has tapered off over the years.

I'm happy to report that I've gotten myself some fresh honey in one of those cute little honey bear squeezie containers so I'm good to go.

At the risk of sounding like the shrimp guy in Forrest Gump, but you can do a lot with honey. You can:

Have it in tea
Put it on chicken nuggets
Mix it with BBQ sauce
Drizzle it on ice cream
Put it on toast
Put it on bagels
Eat it on a spoon
Eat it with your finger
Mix it with mustard
Make glaze out of it
Mix it with salad dressing

... You get the idea. Mmmmm honey.

Great Words

There are some really cool words out there that you just don't hear everyday. I've started a list in hopes of keeping them around a little longer:

1. poppycock
2. mollycoddled
3. mish-mash
4. kitty wompass
5. persnickety
6. caterwaul
7. rigamarole
8. tomfoolery
9. cahoots
10. hankering
11. bamboozled
12. rabblerouser
13. gumption
14. twitterpated
15. boondogle
16. skedaddle
17. nincompoop
18. shenanigans
19. clammoring
20. namby pampy
21. what not
22. malarky
23. smarmy
24. jocularity
25. hootenanny
26. hullabaloo
27. conundrum
28. cantankerous
29. reckon
30. smorgasboard
31. brouhaha
32. wonky
33. lackadaisical

What to do if you miss your flight:

I love this!

I'm now a professional Voice Over Artist

This weekend was another life list item crossed off for me! I went to a place in Vermont called Such A Voice and completed an intensive training course and cut a demo to become a voice over artist. I've done some work in this area informally, but this was about me learning how to be REALLY GOOD at it and eventually using my newly developed talents as a means to generate income.

The course was GREAT and the other people in the class were really cool. I highly recommend this experience to anyone looking to break into the biz.

What's a voice over artist, you ask? Well this should explain it:

Delta Airlines Hates Me

I live in Minnesota so that means I fly Northwest Airlines 99.9% of the time. This week, my travels took me to Vermont to attend some training in the area of voice overs (there will be another post about this so stay tuned).

Well it's like this. Delta Airlines bought Northwest Airlines, so now I will be flying Delta 99.9% of the time (even though the plane might still say Northwest on the side of it).

My first Delta experience made me miss NWA badly! Here's why, in no particular order:

1. Online check-in doesn't work. I went to NWA.com because you're supposed to check in using the carrier with whom you booked the ticket in the first place. When I put in my confirmation #, NWA.com sent me to Delta.com. When I went to Delta.com the same thing happened ... I was advised to go to NWA.com. Three rounds of this and I quit. I called both airlines and was assured it was just a glitch. Very convenient. I hope the systems inside their planes don't work like this.

2. Airport check-in doesn't work. I went to the only ticket counter at my airport (NWA) and the agent had all kinds of trouble getting my boarding passes to surface. As I went through each city on the 3 leg segment of my journey - same story. My ticket had to be manually entered while I endured the glares of my fellow passengers.

3. To get from Minnesota to Vermont, Delta thinks they send you to Atlanta first. Pffffffffft. Hello? Detroit anyone?

4. No status, no upgrades, no love. Because of items 1 & 2, this "Elite Status Member" had to sit in seat 39E. On Northwest, I'd earned my way to getting exit-row seats, aisle seats, bulkhead, and even the occasional upgrade to first class. Not with Delta. They have demoted me to the same stature as a granny in sweats who flies exactly 1 time every 3 years. On my first flight they found it appropriate to put me in a center seat in what was one of the last rows on the plane. The area reeked of "bathroom aroma". The man to my right (window seat F) decided it would be cool to read the magazines and books in my seat pocket. The ones I'd just removed from my bag and placed there. He'd grab them while I was getting a little shut eye and when I awakened, he'd be sitting there reading away. I finally drew the line when he put his paws on my personal planner. OMG

The woman to my left (aisle seat D) was nice. She was the last one to board the flight so she was what stood between me and my dream of having an empty seat between book stealer and me. Oh well. She sat down and went over the arm rest rules with me. She would be completely occupying the one on the aisle and she wanted me to feel as though the one next to her was mine, except if she nodded off and wasn't aware of where she put herself. She didn't advise on the armrest between me & book stealer but if I'd have asked she would've provided her thoughts.

I figure that I paid for my seat and half of each of the arm rests I touch. It can be a front/back of the arm rest kind of arrangement or a "you take the whole thing the first half and I'll take it the second half" kind of deal. Whatever the case may be, I want my rented portion of the armrest to use as I please. She also would bump me when I was sleeping, but that was the least of my worries. I had bathroom stench going up my nostrils and people reading my books without permission.

I swear the seats are closer to one another on Delta than they are on NWA too. I could've performed dental work on the man in front of me if I'd only had some instruments.

5. They show reruns of everybody loves Raymond on TVs that don't have the horizontal hold adjusted quite right. If you want to hear the reruns, it's $2 for a headset. I think you get to keep it though.

6. They make an absolute PRODUCTION out of overhead bin storage. There are a hierarchy of rules and steps that one must follow to store their bag and those in violation are subject to a loud recap of the instructions by the flight attendant. On NWA people just figure it out on their own and calmly take their seats.

7. Delta boards in zones, NWA boards via the ole fashioned cattle call. Delta's Zone 1, 2, 3 idea makes no sense because you still have an assigned seat! And the zones are not based on seat location. All it meant to me was that being in Zone 2, I could sit in my crappy seat even longer if I wanted to. WTF? This could be related to their overhead bin storage issues too. Next they'll zone those out as well.

8. They go up & down the aisles while you're TRYING to get a moment's rest carrying on about Sky Miles and Delta Credit cards. They also tried to sell me a "Mile High Mojito" for $7. I saw one, it didn't even have any mint leaves in it. Next they'll have merchandise from the SkyMall catalog in rolling cases and they'll push that up & down the walkway. Tacky!

I'm sorry Delta, but you're pretty much a flying Wal-Mart.

Dollar Store Surprise!

Today I went to the Dollar Tree to load up on batteries, party paper plates, legal pads, and greeting cards. You can save a bundle by purchasing these items for $1 and no one's the wiser. Well, I guess no one WAS the wiser but now I went'n blogged about it. Anyway, I digress.

I was in the slow-moving check out line with my bargains neatly stacked in my carrying basket when I began to study some of the items they had on display near the registers. Then I saw it.

They sell Pregnancy Tests at the Dollar Tree!

I am just speechless. Incidentally, this is probably the same reaction of any man who's girlfriend presents him with her tests results on a +/- wand that she got for a dollar.

Things I learned this week

1. If you are Michael Phelps, you should probably puff on your bong in the privacy of your own home.

2. It's proving easier than I thought to make one new friend each month.

3. It is possible to leave a casino with more money than when you entered it. Also weighing more than when you entered.

4. You can move a large bed headboard from one residence to another residence by holding it inches off the ground from inside your car, while driving.

5. Friends can help you in more ways than you can even imagine.

6. At least 5 people I know think that I should go to Mexico (because I've never been).

7. I'm officially a Life Coach!

8. It's easy to make Hollandaise sauce.

9. If you own the telephone number 867-5309, you can sell it on eBay for half a million dollars or so.

10. When old people get a new car, they give it a name. Just like a pet or a baby.

11. If you just ask, you can get a lot of things in life.

12. Christian Bale is nuts.

I wish it was 1970

I was a kid in the 70s and for me, this was just such a happier, more legitimate time. "A simpler time" as they say. Here are a few of the main reasons why I prefer 1970 to 2009:

1. When you spent time with a friend, you didn't have to endure constant checking of email, txt messaging others, and reviewing missed calls on their Blackberry. In 1970 the person in front of you was the most important person in the conversation.

2. When you wanted to go somewhere, you rode your bike. Even if it was 3 miles. The trip was part of the fun and mystique of the event. Today 3 miles is a badge of honor we wear having driven 9 miles to the Health Club and run on a treadmill staring at a magazine or TV the entire time while having our heart rate continually monitored.

3. People wrote letters. There weren't emails, text messages, IMs and other electronic means of spewing thoughts at another person. When you had something to say to someone else in 1970, you got out an envelope, a stamp, and some paper and you put together a LETTER.

4. People said things like thank you, you're welcome, pardon me, it's a pleasure to meet you and excuse me. Not TY, YW, TTUL, LOL.

5. A fun family night entailed going to the Pizza Hut and dining in and then returning home to watch TV together. Family nights have become more rare, and the bar has been raised on what counts as the activity.

6. You were to be home before dark. Because nuttin good ever happened after dark.

7. A candy bar was a treat. A Dairy Queen was a big treat.

I miss it all.

I went grocery shopping

See:

I hate MN

Today I took my little dog Mickey for a walk in the snow. He doesn't get out much in the winter because it's so cold, but it finally got above zero so we went for it! He loves the fresh air and all the smnells outside.

We weren't out for 5 minutes when I noticed him picking his paws up in sequence ... front left, front right, back left, back right. Then he LIMPED when he walked.

His little pads were hurting because of the ice and packed snow! I really hate Minnesota sometimes.

I carried him around the yard for the rest of our walk so he could enjoy being outside without freezing his pads.

:-(

Reposted by Request: Poopology

Here's a post I made in another life (borrowed and adapted), but folks have been asking me to repost. In addition, one of my favorite cousins in the world has volunteered a couple of additional terms beyond what was in the original post - so I promised her that they would be included in this post and she would get full Ghost Writer credit. Without further ado, I give you "Poopology, A Lesson in Public #2s":

Advanced Poopology – A Workplace Lesson

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the a glossary of terms that will enable you to better accomplish your mission:

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

COUSIN CONTRIBUTIONS:

MOTHER HEN
You also need to make up a word for quickly following a co worker’s exit of the bathroom so you can get the warm seat. I just encountered a frozen potty seat. This encounter almost made me want one of those disgusting rug rings you cover the seat with to warm my buns. However, the thought of lining the toilet with a wax paper circle nauseates me. GERMS! Anyway, my bum is still frozen after 5 mins off the frozen tundra. I put my tundra on the tundra.

BUSTED BOMBARDIER
I also would like to suggest an entry into your poology. My co worker once used a toddler bathroom at her church day care so no adults would link her to the foul smell emitting from the tiny little toidies. However, the teen minister saw her and went around the church “Susan used the toddler bathroom… la dee da de da dee….”

BIDET GONE BAD
You have no mention of the bidet that goes bad. I experienced this. After a diarrhea attack I was giving a courtesy flush. I failed to make notice of the fact that after the courtesy flush, the water was rapidly rising with no sign of retreat. This caused me to dance around in bathroom with my pants down while the "dirty" water cascaded over the side of the toilet. The really bad thing, was I was at work and I WAS NOT FINISHED WITH MY STOMACH ATTACK. I will remember that day as long as I live. Ugh.

MEGA MISUSE
When the my daughters friends come over, I notice an entire “mega” roll is gone. Now it usually takes it takes a week or more to use a mega roll in our home of 4 adults. These mega rolls are touted to be 4X size of regular roll. I discussed this with them and advised them that going forth they are allowed 1 square per 10 lbs of body weight. They only weigh like 80 pounds each. They said they are going to lie about their weight. Haha.

I Can't Look Away ...

OK, there are some things in life that are just too intriguing to pass up. A garage sale on the wrong side of town. A used car with high miles but a ridiculously low price. A lost kitten at your front door.

Add in - a hotel with the worst reviews I've ever read in my life! I found this little nugget on Trip Advisor. I want to maintain the confidentiality of all mentioned in the reviews below, so I'll just say that this MOTEL 6 is in or around Tampa, FL.

Reviews:

Imagine driving all day from Penascola to Tampa with a trailer, 3 cats and an aggravated cockatiel. We arrived at this Motel 6 shortly after dark to find it surrounded by police cars so we drove past it and pulled in at a new car place being built next door to regroup. There is an adult store the size of a K-mart across the street and a security guard drives up from somewhere amidst the construction and tells us that we definitely do not want to stay there. He gave us directions to the other Motel 6 down the road where we went. It turned out not to be the cleanest but at least we felt safe.

After a long flight we checked into the room. We immediately noticed that the carpet was not vacuumed. Food crumbs and lots of stuff (dirt) behind the nightstand.

Pulling back the bedspread we were greeted with a blood stained pillowcase and dirty sheets. I put down towels to cover the sheets. The linens were very dirty. I really don't think the housekeeping staff changed the linens. Clean linens don't look like what we had to sleep on.

I was appalled by the room. This is absolutely the worst place I have ever had to sleep.

I will shave off all my skin and stretch it into a tent and sleep there before I ever consider staying at this motel, or any Motel 6 again. I have been a travelling musician for 20+ years and seen a lot of hotel rooms in my time. This one is the worst hotel in the history of lodging.

I discovered that after 10:00 PM, the lobby door is closed and locked, and the night clerk speaks to people from behind a window of bulletproof glass.

As we were checking in, we also noticed a young pretty African-American girl in a very skimpy gold lamme bathing suit coming in and out of the lobby. We assumed she was coming from the pool. After seeing her several more times the same day, we determined she was “working” the hotel. A very nice amenity but not a service we needed.

Yep, you guessed it. I'm staying at this property at least 1 night next time I'm in the area. It's on my life list as of right now!

Some things I'm working on ...

I'm not big into New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I like to just set goals every so often and see how I do. Here are a few I'm working on at the moment:

1. Make one new friend each month.
2. Don't use -20 degrees as an excuse to stay in the house all day, because it's not.
3. Embrace uncertainty.
4. Watch more TV.
5. Eat more pickles.
6. Stop drinking pop for 2 weeks or more.
7. Resume the weekly tradition that is Burrito Night!

I will update on my progress as soon as I make some. :-)

I want this for my yard (when the snow melts)

The Artist formerly known as Wendy

I've resumed an old hobby - watercolor painting. Here are a few of my latest works. Yes, I'm aware these aren't really good. But they're really good for me! :-)

#4

This weekend was my dog Mickey's 4th Birthday. I know, I know - dog birthdays are ridiculous. But he's my little dog and I did throw him a ridiculous party. He had his own cake, 1/4 of a plain McDonald's hamburger, and some presents from the family. His dog friend in Florida also sent him a package with a card and several very small squeaky toys and a tug-o-war football. Mickey loves small toys because he can get them in his little mouth and run around the house.

He also had a birthday bath because he had some Christmas food remnants in his beard. It was a nice day all in all. Better than a lot of human birthdays actually.

Making Concessions

Since I'm unemployed right now, I need to make some financial cutbacks. However, there's some middle ground to be found. For example, I have more time now and I LOVE to go to the movies! Recently I've seen Four Christmases, Marley & Me and The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons.

I save $ by going to the early show -- it's only 6 bucks! And, I bring my own snacks. (See photo below.) A nice little Ziplock baggie of cheese corn and a Coke smuggled into the movies in a big winter coat or a purse with some of the contents emptied out ahead of time = less than $2. I use the theater's straws and napkins.

As a courtesy to other movie-goers, you need to a) open your Coke during the really loud previews and b) remove your snacks from a bag that can make irritable rustling noises and place it into a less crinkley bag.

I call this: Making Concessions.