Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I hate MN
Today I took my little dog Mickey for a walk in the snow. He doesn't get out much in the winter because it's so cold, but it finally got above zero so we went for it! He loves the fresh air and all the smnells outside.
We weren't out for 5 minutes when I noticed him picking his paws up in sequence ... front left, front right, back left, back right. Then he LIMPED when he walked.
His little pads were hurting because of the ice and packed snow! I really hate Minnesota sometimes.
I carried him around the yard for the rest of our walk so he could enjoy being outside without freezing his pads.
:-(
We weren't out for 5 minutes when I noticed him picking his paws up in sequence ... front left, front right, back left, back right. Then he LIMPED when he walked.
His little pads were hurting because of the ice and packed snow! I really hate Minnesota sometimes.
I carried him around the yard for the rest of our walk so he could enjoy being outside without freezing his pads.
:-(
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Reposted by Request: Poopology
Here's a post I made in another life (borrowed and adapted), but folks have been asking me to repost. In addition, one of my favorite cousins in the world has volunteered a couple of additional terms beyond what was in the original post - so I promised her that they would be included in this post and she would get full Ghost Writer credit. Without further ado, I give you "Poopology, A Lesson in Public #2s":
Advanced Poopology – A Workplace Lesson
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the a glossary of terms that will enable you to better accomplish your mission:
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
COUSIN CONTRIBUTIONS:
MOTHER HEN
You also need to make up a word for quickly following a co worker’s exit of the bathroom so you can get the warm seat. I just encountered a frozen potty seat. This encounter almost made me want one of those disgusting rug rings you cover the seat with to warm my buns. However, the thought of lining the toilet with a wax paper circle nauseates me. GERMS! Anyway, my bum is still frozen after 5 mins off the frozen tundra. I put my tundra on the tundra.
BUSTED BOMBARDIER
I also would like to suggest an entry into your poology. My co worker once used a toddler bathroom at her church day care so no adults would link her to the foul smell emitting from the tiny little toidies. However, the teen minister saw her and went around the church “Susan used the toddler bathroom… la dee da de da dee….”
BIDET GONE BAD
You have no mention of the bidet that goes bad. I experienced this. After a diarrhea attack I was giving a courtesy flush. I failed to make notice of the fact that after the courtesy flush, the water was rapidly rising with no sign of retreat. This caused me to dance around in bathroom with my pants down while the "dirty" water cascaded over the side of the toilet. The really bad thing, was I was at work and I WAS NOT FINISHED WITH MY STOMACH ATTACK. I will remember that day as long as I live. Ugh.
MEGA MISUSE
When the my daughters friends come over, I notice an entire “mega” roll is gone. Now it usually takes it takes a week or more to use a mega roll in our home of 4 adults. These mega rolls are touted to be 4X size of regular roll. I discussed this with them and advised them that going forth they are allowed 1 square per 10 lbs of body weight. They only weigh like 80 pounds each. They said they are going to lie about their weight. Haha.
Advanced Poopology – A Workplace Lesson
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the a glossary of terms that will enable you to better accomplish your mission:
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
COUSIN CONTRIBUTIONS:
MOTHER HEN
You also need to make up a word for quickly following a co worker’s exit of the bathroom so you can get the warm seat. I just encountered a frozen potty seat. This encounter almost made me want one of those disgusting rug rings you cover the seat with to warm my buns. However, the thought of lining the toilet with a wax paper circle nauseates me. GERMS! Anyway, my bum is still frozen after 5 mins off the frozen tundra. I put my tundra on the tundra.
BUSTED BOMBARDIER
I also would like to suggest an entry into your poology. My co worker once used a toddler bathroom at her church day care so no adults would link her to the foul smell emitting from the tiny little toidies. However, the teen minister saw her and went around the church “Susan used the toddler bathroom… la dee da de da dee….”
BIDET GONE BAD
You have no mention of the bidet that goes bad. I experienced this. After a diarrhea attack I was giving a courtesy flush. I failed to make notice of the fact that after the courtesy flush, the water was rapidly rising with no sign of retreat. This caused me to dance around in bathroom with my pants down while the "dirty" water cascaded over the side of the toilet. The really bad thing, was I was at work and I WAS NOT FINISHED WITH MY STOMACH ATTACK. I will remember that day as long as I live. Ugh.
MEGA MISUSE
When the my daughters friends come over, I notice an entire “mega” roll is gone. Now it usually takes it takes a week or more to use a mega roll in our home of 4 adults. These mega rolls are touted to be 4X size of regular roll. I discussed this with them and advised them that going forth they are allowed 1 square per 10 lbs of body weight. They only weigh like 80 pounds each. They said they are going to lie about their weight. Haha.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I Can't Look Away ...
OK, there are some things in life that are just too intriguing to pass up. A garage sale on the wrong side of town. A used car with high miles but a ridiculously low price. A lost kitten at your front door.
Add in - a hotel with the worst reviews I've ever read in my life! I found this little nugget on Trip Advisor. I want to maintain the confidentiality of all mentioned in the reviews below, so I'll just say that this MOTEL 6 is in or around Tampa, FL.
Reviews:
Imagine driving all day from Penascola to Tampa with a trailer, 3 cats and an aggravated cockatiel. We arrived at this Motel 6 shortly after dark to find it surrounded by police cars so we drove past it and pulled in at a new car place being built next door to regroup. There is an adult store the size of a K-mart across the street and a security guard drives up from somewhere amidst the construction and tells us that we definitely do not want to stay there. He gave us directions to the other Motel 6 down the road where we went. It turned out not to be the cleanest but at least we felt safe.
After a long flight we checked into the room. We immediately noticed that the carpet was not vacuumed. Food crumbs and lots of stuff (dirt) behind the nightstand.
Pulling back the bedspread we were greeted with a blood stained pillowcase and dirty sheets. I put down towels to cover the sheets. The linens were very dirty. I really don't think the housekeeping staff changed the linens. Clean linens don't look like what we had to sleep on.
I was appalled by the room. This is absolutely the worst place I have ever had to sleep.
I will shave off all my skin and stretch it into a tent and sleep there before I ever consider staying at this motel, or any Motel 6 again. I have been a travelling musician for 20+ years and seen a lot of hotel rooms in my time. This one is the worst hotel in the history of lodging.
I discovered that after 10:00 PM, the lobby door is closed and locked, and the night clerk speaks to people from behind a window of bulletproof glass.
As we were checking in, we also noticed a young pretty African-American girl in a very skimpy gold lamme bathing suit coming in and out of the lobby. We assumed she was coming from the pool. After seeing her several more times the same day, we determined she was “working” the hotel. A very nice amenity but not a service we needed.
Yep, you guessed it. I'm staying at this property at least 1 night next time I'm in the area. It's on my life list as of right now!
Add in - a hotel with the worst reviews I've ever read in my life! I found this little nugget on Trip Advisor. I want to maintain the confidentiality of all mentioned in the reviews below, so I'll just say that this MOTEL 6 is in or around Tampa, FL.
Reviews:
Imagine driving all day from Penascola to Tampa with a trailer, 3 cats and an aggravated cockatiel. We arrived at this Motel 6 shortly after dark to find it surrounded by police cars so we drove past it and pulled in at a new car place being built next door to regroup. There is an adult store the size of a K-mart across the street and a security guard drives up from somewhere amidst the construction and tells us that we definitely do not want to stay there. He gave us directions to the other Motel 6 down the road where we went. It turned out not to be the cleanest but at least we felt safe.
After a long flight we checked into the room. We immediately noticed that the carpet was not vacuumed. Food crumbs and lots of stuff (dirt) behind the nightstand.
Pulling back the bedspread we were greeted with a blood stained pillowcase and dirty sheets. I put down towels to cover the sheets. The linens were very dirty. I really don't think the housekeeping staff changed the linens. Clean linens don't look like what we had to sleep on.
I was appalled by the room. This is absolutely the worst place I have ever had to sleep.
I will shave off all my skin and stretch it into a tent and sleep there before I ever consider staying at this motel, or any Motel 6 again. I have been a travelling musician for 20+ years and seen a lot of hotel rooms in my time. This one is the worst hotel in the history of lodging.
I discovered that after 10:00 PM, the lobby door is closed and locked, and the night clerk speaks to people from behind a window of bulletproof glass.
As we were checking in, we also noticed a young pretty African-American girl in a very skimpy gold lamme bathing suit coming in and out of the lobby. We assumed she was coming from the pool. After seeing her several more times the same day, we determined she was “working” the hotel. A very nice amenity but not a service we needed.
Yep, you guessed it. I'm staying at this property at least 1 night next time I'm in the area. It's on my life list as of right now!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Some things I'm working on ...
I'm not big into New Year's Resolutions. Instead, I like to just set goals every so often and see how I do. Here are a few I'm working on at the moment:
1. Make one new friend each month.
2. Don't use -20 degrees as an excuse to stay in the house all day, because it's not.
3. Embrace uncertainty.
4. Watch more TV.
5. Eat more pickles.
6. Stop drinking pop for 2 weeks or more.
7. Resume the weekly tradition that is Burrito Night!
I will update on my progress as soon as I make some. :-)
1. Make one new friend each month.
2. Don't use -20 degrees as an excuse to stay in the house all day, because it's not.
3. Embrace uncertainty.
4. Watch more TV.
5. Eat more pickles.
6. Stop drinking pop for 2 weeks or more.
7. Resume the weekly tradition that is Burrito Night!
I will update on my progress as soon as I make some. :-)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The Artist formerly known as Wendy
I've resumed an old hobby - watercolor painting. Here are a few of my latest works. Yes, I'm aware these aren't really good. But they're really good for me! :-)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
#4
This weekend was my dog Mickey's 4th Birthday. I know, I know - dog birthdays are ridiculous. But he's my little dog and I did throw him a ridiculous party. He had his own cake, 1/4 of a plain McDonald's hamburger, and some presents from the family. His dog friend in Florida also sent him a package with a card and several very small squeaky toys and a tug-o-war football. Mickey loves small toys because he can get them in his little mouth and run around the house.
He also had a birthday bath because he had some Christmas food remnants in his beard. It was a nice day all in all. Better than a lot of human birthdays actually.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Making Concessions
Since I'm unemployed right now, I need to make some financial cutbacks. However, there's some middle ground to be found. For example, I have more time now and I LOVE to go to the movies! Recently I've seen Four Christmases, Marley & Me and The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons.
I save $ by going to the early show -- it's only 6 bucks! And, I bring my own snacks. (See photo below.) A nice little Ziplock baggie of cheese corn and a Coke smuggled into the movies in a big winter coat or a purse with some of the contents emptied out ahead of time = less than $2. I use the theater's straws and napkins.
As a courtesy to other movie-goers, you need to a) open your Coke during the really loud previews and b) remove your snacks from a bag that can make irritable rustling noises and place it into a less crinkley bag.
I call this: Making Concessions.
I save $ by going to the early show -- it's only 6 bucks! And, I bring my own snacks. (See photo below.) A nice little Ziplock baggie of cheese corn and a Coke smuggled into the movies in a big winter coat or a purse with some of the contents emptied out ahead of time = less than $2. I use the theater's straws and napkins.
As a courtesy to other movie-goers, you need to a) open your Coke during the really loud previews and b) remove your snacks from a bag that can make irritable rustling noises and place it into a less crinkley bag.
I call this: Making Concessions.
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